Upriver

Upstream

I do not like walking around my neighborhood

It reminds me of how far I have not come

I never imagined my life to be this way

I lived the life of academic success,

Hard work

Be kind to everyone

 

Where am I?

Not where I was told I would be

 

Or maybe it is the way I’m looking at things

Maybe I’m not looking at what is really there

Maybe I’m seeing what I want to see

 

I do not know

 

That should be the title of all my poems

 

I do not know

 

That in itself is a place of panicked unfamiliarity

When I was young I knew all

I learned all

Everything was scientific fact

Not a speck of mystery in any of it

Though there was great wonder and order and beauty

No, not one speck of mystery

 

Then the oceans rose

The rivers came rushing in

Sweeping all of that away

 

I look back upon that memorable day

And wonder if I should celebrate

Or curse it

There seems to be nothing that can ever reverse it

The waters are always now shifting within me

Like the winds

 

So here I am

 

Another member of lonely land, the wilderness of millions,

Wondering why I’m here

What have I done

To be so fortunate, yet to be the one

That seems to never hit the finish line of destiny

 

Maybe there isn’t one

Maybe it’s in the running

The walking, the crawling,

Doing whatever it takes to continue moving forward

Never still

 

Never still

 

For in the moving waters, still is always moving backwards

Or forward if one simply yields

To the rhythms of the undercurrents

That flow within our very souls

 

I do wonder what is the definition of whole

I wonder more what it is like to experience it

 

I wonder if I’ll ever know

 

I think I will, if I’ll only keep moving